The International Man of Leisure

The St. Patty’s Day Shake

4.7 Downgraded to 4.4

Monday, March 17, 2014 6:29am:

I was already awake. The morning was peaceful. Serene. Straight out of a fucking movie. Life was fantastic. Grand. Amazing. All was right in the world. I lay there in bed snuggled deep beneath the covers. The dawn was beginning to break. Light slowly begins its invasive journey into the bedroom. I stared across at my quiet little arrangement of knick knacks and junk on the shelf across from me. This moment, I dreamed, would last forever.

SUDDENLY

My cat began running around the room. Darting this way and that. Into the closet and out of the closet, up to higher ground and back to the safety of the land below before finally settling in the safety and comfort of ‘beneath the bed.’ It was then. The thump. My iMac jostled forward momentarily. A Lego figurine moved. My cat was silent. All was silent. My apartment finished its violent shake. I lay there cocooned in my blanket heaven. I had no desire to get out of bed, but I heard a strange unfamiliar noise. Outside the door I heard a loud thump. Must have been my roommate getting ready for work, I thought to myself, but something about the abrupt and sudden thud had me wondering. I could hear faint groaning noises and what sounded as someone grinding flour or spices in a pedestal. My roommate has an odd morning routine, but this was just stranger than usual. I felt a desire to investigate. So I emerged from my warm cocoon and ventured up towards to my door. After listening with my ear pressed against the door I heard nothing. I guess this warrants an actual look. I don’t like to venture out of my room because it means I have to go to work. I began to turn the doorknob. Before I could finish the door violently swung open and pushed me back. I tripped over a pair of shoes and landed on my back, wind sucked out of my lungs. I lay there gasping for breath as I witnessed my roommate standing in the doorway breathing heavily eyes glazed over in a solid white milky substance. His mouth and shirt were covered in blood. Shit. Still gasping for breath I managed to rip my closet door open and grabbed my shotgun as quickly as was humanly possible. It was loaded but a round wasn’t in the chamber yet. My roommate lunged forward reaching out for me making the most god-awful sounds I’ve ever heard. He too tripped over my shoes and landed face first on the ground just next to my feet. I tried to engage the action and load a shell into the chamber but he pulled the gun away from my hands. I grabbed my guitar and hit him violently on the head. Bits of flesh and hair were snagged on the jagged bits of wood from the blow. I pushed him back as best as I could. I reached out across the room and grabbed my shotgun. He was back up on his feet, he ran towards me. I tripped him. He landed on top of my gun, the barrel sticking straight into his chest. I pulled the trigger and blew a hole into his rotten flesh. He was still moving. Still growling. Still reaching out for me. I knocked over his frantic body and aimed the gun right into his forehead. Hopefully this shot would count. It did. He no longer moved. What a way to start the day eh? My ears were ringing from the deafening blow of the gun in such a small room. I quickly rummaged through my closet and found the remaining stock of shells in the back corner. I topped off the gun with as many rounds as it could hold. I also put on pants at this time and put on a pair of boots. Slowly the ringing in my ears was replaced with the ringing of sirens and whistles of emergency response vehicles. This was no ordinary quake. This was the beginning of the end of the fucking world, as we knew it. All my regrets began to flash around in my mind. I never got a chance to try a ‘cronut.’ I’ve lived next door to cliff’s edge for four years but have never even walked through the door. I’ve never visited Catalina. I’ve never been to the Chateau, heck I’ve never even made it to the Soho house. What have I been doing all these years? Reality began to finally settle in. Everything has changed now. Everything is different. I stepped out onto my patio and overlooked the setting around me. Smoke rose in the distance from many structures engulfed in flames. The sky was filled with helicopters hovering reporting on the catastrophes. I looked down at the street out front of my apartment. A large woman in a pink bathrobe with curlers still in her hair is running down the street. Behind her are 3 distraught grunting individuals shuffling/running after her. She trips, falls to the ground; they catch up to her and begin to rip her flesh apart. Is this how it all ends? I guess it beats going to work. Its 7:14am now, I reach into the fridge and grab a cold beer. I pour it into a cup and drop in two drips of green food colouring. The end of the world may put a damper on my year, but it won’t ruin St. Patty’s day for me. The good news to all this? I don’t have to go to work today…and probably will never have to go to work ever again.

The End

Chef Ramsey recommends…..to not eat here. #scottsdale #amysbakingcompany #kitchennightmares

Chef Ramsey recommends…..to not eat here. #scottsdale #amysbakingcompany #kitchennightmares

A little @fullsailbrewing joy has just filled my fridge. #sessions #notastelikehome #pnw

A little @fullsailbrewing joy has just filled my fridge. #sessions #notastelikehome #pnw

Thank you bud light, I was unaware that your product contained alcohol, this explains that funny feeling in my head…

Thank you bud light, I was unaware that your product contained alcohol, this explains that funny feeling in my head…

Just trying to watch tv. Master Chief has other plans.

Just trying to watch tv. Master Chief has other plans.

"Hollyweird"

"Hollyweird"

And then I found a dress…#halloween

And then I found a dress…#halloween

#hipsterkitten #pbr #silverlake #la #kitten

#hipsterkitten #pbr #silverlake #la #kitten

Master Chief helping me put on my shirt.

Master Chief helping me put on my shirt.

I’ve exhausted all that tinder has to offer. There officially is no hope. Time to get back to my cat. #tinder #singlemale #justaguywithakitten

I’ve exhausted all that tinder has to offer. There officially is no hope. Time to get back to my cat. #tinder #singlemale #justaguywithakitten

The Eagle Rock Gospel Singers

The Eagle Rock Gospel Singers

9 weeks is old enough to drink right? #pbr #justaguywithakitten

9 weeks is old enough to drink right? #pbr #justaguywithakitten

Just another rough day.

Just another rough day.

"Life’s a Blur"

"Life’s a Blur"

That one time when a giant clown face was behind me. #clowns

That one time when a giant clown face was behind me. #clowns